2018: a recap

I'm a big fan of closure, it's this pathological need to make sure all loose ends have been tied in a pretty bow before I move on to the next thing - and since I perpetually live in the yesterday, this post was but obvious. I recap my years although very irregularly here, but I do. I do it in my head while going through the gallery on my phone. Recollecting, remembering. You see my memory has holes, I'm very, very forgetful and documenting my days is a compensatory mechanism I've adopted. One of the people I hold dear once asked me, "don't pictures dilute your experiences?" They are not a fan of photographing/documenting their life. It's unfathomable to me cause I know if I didn't write my good/bad days down if I didn't capture that moment of bliss, it will be lost to my subconscious. So I write when I can, and I take pictures when I can in an attempt to freeze the good moments for a little while longer.

Here's an attempt at remembering my 2018, at archiving it on the dusty interwebs.

2018 started with a weekend trip to a nearby city with mum, a city that we had never been to. It also was a first for the two of us - traveling by ourselves. It was a warm trip. We got a room with a pretty hillside view, drank tea in its shadow, and chased a sunset. Of course, all of this was in the backdrop to an exam I gave but it seems very irrelevant to me at this point.

January and February were full of festivities. My best friend got married, she made the most beautiful bride.

All the big and small moments from that week are so very dear to me. Not just the wedding but the time I spent with her pre-wedding - shopping, helping her plan the honeymoon outfits, our breakfasts and brunches, gorging on unhealthy amount of pasta,  I'm not sure if we will ever get to hang out the way we did especially now since she has moved to a different country, which is why I cherish every single moment from that week. The after party dholki, the late night chat we had before her big day talking fears, doubts, aspirations. The day of her wedding, the reception, the vidai. Ah, my heart.

What followed her wedding week was lots of community-related functions. Garba nights, and finding a way out of the spiritual stagnancy that I was stuck in.

Attended a concert, and an art show. It was wonderful.

March was my last month of internship, I was graduating, FINALLY!
It came too soon. Hah, I say it came too soon after 6 years of labour, nostalgia makes you say/do weird things, dunnit?

I graduated in April. Wore a pochampalli saree, made my parents get me a bouquet, clicked millions of pictures. It was the last day I was to see my class in the same set-up, all together. All of us were moving on to the next adventure.

April and May were months of bliss. I was home for the two months, the longest I've ever been home in the last 5-6years. I spent these months in front of my bookshelves, admiring the books from a distance. Sipping on mum made muskmelon juice at night. Early morning walks, watching my younger sibling shoot hoops. Reading a little, sleeping a lot.

June was my month of, "so what next?" I'm the most indecisive person you know so making a choice of what next was torture. I picked a path. Still walking on it. Where is it going to lead? I literally have got no clue.

(July - November)
Moved back to Hyd. I finally got to live on my own, something I'd always wanted to do. (check)
Attended my first ever CME module (Continuous Medical Education)
August 1, 2018, marked my 6th anniversary in this city. Celebrated it at a nursery, bought me a peace lily. And then some lemon tea with my inner circle at night.
The next few months are a blur of 12-hour classes and finger cramps from taking notes for that long. There were some moments in between worth remembering though;

New roommate moved in, the time I spent with her is very precious. We basked in sun, sipped on gallons of green tea, talking for hours on end. Foot soaks and Gilmore Girl re-runs. Impromptu face masks, LGBTQ movies. la vie en rose.

Met my friends from high school after 7 years, it's funny how we were so young with all these confusions and ambitions, preparing for entrances to get into med school and now we are all Doctors preparing to get into MD. Full circle? ah, there's still time.

Attended a play, "Kaifi aur Mai" performed by Javed Akhtar Sahab and Shabana Azmi, it was beautiful. The live ghazal performances seamlessly interspersed with Urdu prose and poetry. The shayaris and ghazals made my heart full and turned me into a theatre convert. I missed meeting the actors in person by five minutes, but that's okay, there's always the next time. (RIGHT? RIGHT? SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO FRICKING SHY DAMN YOU SHONAZEE)

THE OFFICE (Dwight Shrute you ignorant slut!)

Attended a death cafe after having read "When Breath Becomes Air" (not because of the book, the two were a happy coincidence) Realized how much I'm in love with philosophy. 

My last few sunsets in the city (as a dweller). Farewell lunches. Movie nights. Sleepovers. Online Ludo. Late night walks with friends. The warmth. I just want to remember the warmth. I'd like to leave behind the drama, bad days & feelings in 2018.

I'm home now. Celebrated my 25th at home with the fam. It was wholesome.

2018 was this phase between what was and what will be. There's going to be more of that in 2019, and this time, it is essential. This time is revealing to me what I did not know of myself. (Self-discovery is messy and frustrating + gratifying.)

It's funny how I wasn't such a fan of this year but in retrospect, 2018 has had its moments. Ah, how retrospect glosses the past-tense. I'm happy with the year I had. The sunsets with lo-fi music playing in the background, while I sipped on Mint Milk Chocolate Tea.

It's 31st Dec, I'm on my way to a family get together, the good kind of fambam milaap and with that, goodbye 2018. you were the middle child of my life.


update: spent new year's eve doing the gujju garba in an arabian restaurant, and that has set a benchmark for all the other nye that are yet to come. welcome 2019, be kind.

Pink. Teal. Grey.

I want dark nights and bright days

I want to be the moon, lonely. Detached. Cold.

I want to be the sun, burning. Shining. Thriving.

I want to be happy, the kind that's infectious

I want the grief. I want to mourn.

I want pink days and days that are teal colored.
I want grey days heavy with melancholy. 

I want to live life like it is supposed to be lived.
Like someone who's unafraid. Brave. Stupid. Innocent. 

I want to be all those things and nothing.

I want to be invisible, nothing.

I want to be the center of the universe. 

What I want are extremes and everything in between. The highs, the lows, the plateaus.
I want life. And all of it's epiphanies. All of it's scars and all of it's smiles.

Picture Courtesy: Pinterest.

20

"Is it possible , I wonder , for a man to truly change? Or do character and habit form the immovable boundaries of our life? " - Nicholas Sparks, The Wedding .

I turned 20 this month. Amidst all the anxiousness, anticipation, freaking out sessions and hyperventilating about " How am I gonna handle being 20? ", I introspected my life, like everybody's lives there were regrets, hitting bottom moments, some happy memories, few lively people and many lessons, then I asked myself, " Have I changed? Or am I the same Shonazee I was ? ".

Have I changed? No, I think I metamorphosed into a completely different personality, just like the caterpillar. I was childish and immature, okay, okay, I know, who wasn't? I think there still is a lot of room in me which is full of an 11-year-old, but then there is this new,  colorful, more mature butterfly in me too.

School. I was someone who portrayed the part of an anchor for this news channel of who's dating who? Who's crushing on who? And the likes. It was like I had to know what my friends/classmates were up to, especially in their personal life. I would poke my nose, annoy 'em with my questions or even catch some red handed ( I actually did! ). And then it wouldn't stop there, once my nose picked up on something I would broadcast it among my friends, and they would tell their friends and so on. So yeah, pretty much the whole place would get updated. It was like I was the starting point for a rumor. Having said that, I also was the type of person who would go through someone's personal diary if it landed in my access zone and yes, the propagation would then follow. Awful . I know. But now, I am this person who respects people's personal life. Even if someone gives me their personal diary to read , I don't think I will be able to get myself to do that, because I've realized that a person pours his heart and soul down while writing a journal and I think that space should remain untouched .
But now, I wouldn't go around propagating who's dating who? even when I catch them red-handed, not only because it's none of my business but also because I am not that person anymore.

Intermediate (11th and 12th grade ). I was this kind of a person who back-bited. A lot. I would justify it by saying that it was innocence. Seriously it was. I had always seen people around me doing it. Two best friends bad mouthing each other behind their backs, aunties in the society bad mouthing about some people in their family (mother-in-laws, annoying relatives, almost every other person to be honest). And so every time I was insecure ( which was a lot of times ), I bitched about that friend to another friend of mine. This realization, that I was doing wrong is a part of my hitting bottom moment which I had rather save for future posts. But now I've realized how important loyalty and honesty are in any relationship.That there is another way of venting the insecurity - by telling that friend itself. And according to me, this works much better than telling it to some other person. I mean if you have a problem with your parents and you tell it to your friend, what in the world can your friend do to mend things between you and your parents? Tell it to your parents. Problem solved.

First-year med school. Judgmental, that would be the aptest word to define me. I used to judge almost everybody in my college, from their appearance to how they say hello to how they would project themselves. But since the past few months I have realized that we are all wired this way. We judge almost every other second, every other person. Put stamps - this is good, this is bad. Warn - stay away, hold on tight. But then this inner voice in me asked - Who the hell are we to judge? I mean seriously, Who the hell are we to judge someone ?! We are imperfect too. We make lousy decisions too. Then how can we judge someone else for doing the same? I wouldn't say that I've completely gotten over judging, but I will get there. Someday, I will get there.

So yes, I am not proud of the kind of person I was, at the same time I 'm not ashamed too. If I had not poked into someone's personal life so much, how would I have learned respecting it. If I hadn't back-bited a lot, how could I have found out that it is of no use, that telling the person on his face is much better than telling it to another person. If I had not judged every other person I met, how could I have realized that we are no one to judge. I'm glad I was so insanely stupid, at least it's left me with a tiny bit of wisdom.

And after thinking all this through, I am not much worried or anxious about turning 20, about being more responsible and mature. I think I'll do just fine. Heck no, I think I'm gonna ROCK my 20s! *Inserts the most confident smile ever*

One year

She was teary-eyed with a smile on her face . An expression which conveyed that she was happy , overjoyed and proud - of me . That was a year ago . Today , once again her eyes are moist and a smile plays on her lips . And once again she's proud of me . One year . From getting an admission in a med school to passing my first year in first division . One blissful year .
But she forgets that all of this has happened because of her . Because she came over to stay with me for a few weeks before my finals . Because she slept when I slept (which was too late , around 2-3 am) and woke me up (too early around 5-6 am ) . Because she made me innumerable cups of green teas and coffees and soups that worked like red bull . Because she made sure I had every comfort she could offer . But she , my mom , doesn't realize that ( soo I might as well take the credit ;) )
One year . From sitting in a class full of strangers , 149 strangers , with this small-town-girl syndrome to shedding the inferiority complex and building friendships that will last beyond my life . Or so I hope .
One year .
The year I danced in a flash mob ( the last time I danced in front of an audience was when I was 10/11 years old ! ) .
The year I had a very expensive hair cut .
The year I hit a 4 on the last deciding ball of our cricket match against the senior most batch of our college , and that's how our team won the first match (boasting ?! a lil bit :P ) .
The year I cut my birthay cake which read " Happy Birthday Dr.Shonazee " .
The year I was asked by the Physiology Head of the Department Ma'm to sit in the first bench instead of dozing off in the last one ( yeaah , like in the middle of a lecture) .
The year I fell right smack on my face and went gliding like a retarted  seal on the floor .
The year i realized that irrespective of the rotten smell formalin has , i LOVED it !
The year i mastered the art of self-pricking ( After pricking myself some uncountable times ) .
The year I learnt how to live with hostile people to two faced morons .
The year I experienced jinxed bunks , all of them . This one time ,  our colg staff decided to tally the attendances of morning and afternoon lectures the same day we decided to bunk the first half . Yeah , from 364 other days it was this particular day they chose . We were soo doomed .
The year I watched movies missing the start or the climax in a theatre .
The year I attended my first ever Barbeque party . It rocked ? That would be an understatement .
The year I learnt travelling by buses , yeah a big improvement over the girl who needed adult supervision to visit the neighbouring shops .
The year I made peace with my past .
It wasn't just another year , but there goes another chapter in my book of life .

               This is a collage of some of the lame and stupid papers I and MY FRIENDS turned in for some dumb , not-so-imp exam this year :P

You are living someone's DREAM

I sometimes dream of a life where I am living independently with some awesome roommates ( Like George and Izzie ) , not being judged for having a guy room mate ( Yeah , that someone cute like George ) or for hanging out with my guyfriends . A life wherein I work at a corporate office , hot boss , a heavy , very HEAVY paycheck , stuff like that . Being born in an economically middle class family , I wanted to finish my studies as soon as possible and start earning (real quick) so that I could support my family . But well call it the irony of life , I got myself in a profession which is gonna take long for the studies to get over and even longer for me to earn that heavy pay check . (Just in case you are wondering , I am a Doctor in the making ) . We all have dreams  . We all dream of some life , different than the one we are living or maybe with little changes in the present one .

Sometimes , we are just not satisfied with anything that life offers . We want more money , new phone , Iphone4s maybe ? We buy it but then comes Iphone 5 , now we want that . New clothes . And all we want is more of this , more of thaat ..

We loathe and self-pity all the time . We ask God "why me?" every chance we get .

It's never enough . We are always caught up in some day dream or some in-the-head melodrama about how unfair life has been so far .

Have we ever considered that maybe , just maybe there is someone out there wanting to be YOU ,
There is someone out there who's only dream is to be able to see the world with his own eyes , to be able to see his loved ones even if it's for a minute ,
There is someone out there dreaming of  having a mom , having a dad , of being pampered and scolded and protected by them ,
There is someone out there who's only dream is to be able to stand , walk , run ,
There is someone out there dreaming of a cemented roof,
There is someone out there dreaming to be able to live a little longer , just a little longer .

These things , little things , being able to see or walk or have food to eat , water to quench thirst , we just take them for granted . It's no big deal . We don't even pay attention to these things . But to someone out there it means everything . EVERYTHING .

Why are we always full of complaints , full of regrets ?

Life is unfair . Life is a bitch . Life also is a great teacher .

So why can't we be happy for all that we have . Embrace the left overs .Be thankful for the breath you just took . Be happy that you are living , with pain , problems , tragedy and what not , but hey ! you are still living , still breathing . Because right now , just as you read this , someone took his last breath , felt his last heartbeat , thought his last thought , dreamt his last dream . So be happy and  thankful , because you are living a life that is worth a thousand dreams !

Sundays with Daddy - 2

It was just another Sunday , me and my dad took our cycles , hogged idlis at our favorite breakfast stop and then we were heading back to our place . Racing . And my dad , still thinking that loosing against him would make me all sad and tear-ish (like it used to when I was 6) was letting me win , so I overtook him (as usual)  I mean  who doesn't like winning ? even if it's a stupid cycle race !

And then I turned around, to give my dad the na-na-na-poo-poo sign , and he wasn't there ! HE FREAKING WASN'T THERE !! I was scared ,  I din't know what to do ... Yeaah I was like born and brought up in this town but my mom never let me go to the neighboring shops without what she calls "adult supervision" , let alone some place that's a few kilometers away . I started panicking , it was pretty early so all I could find around me were a bunch of labor workers who were eyeing me from top to bottom , and I was , well just going straight , avoiding all the attention I was being showered with , and right when I was about to throw my cycle in a corner and start crying like a abla naari , I spot a pole . Thanks to my brother who once mentioned about this pole being pretty close to my place , I figured my way home !

And there he was , my dad , all smiles waiting for me . But I was very furious and angry and well , mad at him for leaving me alone in the middle of no where , knowing that I did not carry my phone or money or a brain mapped route to my house. So I asked him why he just disappeared like that , and this is what he said - "I just wanted to teach you that , in times of need , when you desperately want some help or support, all your gonna have is YOU !" and that's soo trueee !

Soo be your own strength , be your own best friend , be your own hero , cause in the end all you are ever gonna have is YOU !

                         

Life Goes On - Those Moments

Sometimes I have these moments ,
Moments of restlessness , moments of regret , 
moments of "How could I do this ? " ,
And in these moments , a fast forwarded recording of all the things i did wrong , flash before my eyes ,
All the times I let people down or broke their trust ,
times I lied or backbit-ed ,
Times when due to these stupid , immature deeds , i lost them , FOREVER .

And then I have this feeling of helplessness ,
the heartburn , wanting to set things right ,
but in life there are no second chances ,
I try to bargain with my conscience , bargain with my heart,but in vain ,
leading to compressing and shoving these moments in some corner of my brain .


What has happened is done , the harm has occurred , mistakes made 
but now as i start with a clean slate , in a new place , breathing a new life ,
all I can do is not be the person i was 5 years back ,
all I can do is embrace what is left , welcome what's on the way ,
I could not set things right, but now all I can do is make sure that this one time I do things right .

The heartburn is still there , that corner of my brain is often touched ,
and I just have to live with it , try to move on ,
cause as we know in the end, life goes on ... 

                                                                                                                 

Sundays with Daddy-1

I will always remember those Sunday mornings when dad and I used to go for long walks , talking about everything from his teenage to mine , from talks about our family business to my studies , from the kinda songs he used to listen , to the kinds i do , in fact contrasting his life to mine , And every Sunday we set out , I used to learn more about my dad , and more about life too , it's meanness to the unexpected surprises . It was like a preparation to face this evil world , to be able to handle problems and stand up when i land square on my face , and to celebrate and be content with everything that God has showered me with .

One such Sunday he told me about this 2+2=4 rule .
It is quite simple , when we were young and tender in primary / junior classes , teachers used to teach us 2+2=4 and if we went wrong , she would first try to make us understand , if we still could not learn then she would give it another try , if we still didn't ,she would cane us real hard , if we still did not learn she would even punish us with 25 sit-ups or talk to our parents or whatever but she would stop only when we learnt that 2+2=4.
Just like that in our lives each time we face a problem , not only do we have to overcome the problem but learn from those mistakes , if we don't , life will come up with a little more harsh way of teaching us the same rule / quality / whatever that we lack ... but just like the teacher it would never give up on us until and unless we learn from our mistake !

Simple right ? So next time you have some valleys in your life make sure to be strong enough to overcome it and yeah , learn from it too ! :) !

Unpredictable...!!

I read this really touching story from one of the books longg back , which holds a real important truth we normally neglect or don't pay heed to....before getting to that point i would like to share a story :) :

It was about a guy in high school , he loved his school , friends and most importantly his PARENTS . One night he was just thanking god for making his life so near to perfect . He could see his dad from the open door , sitting and working on his laptop for some important presentation he had the next day , and all of a sudden this boy felt sooo much of love and respect for his dad that he wanted to go there , hug him and tell him i love you dad ! and then he  hushed the feelings away just as soon, as they had come thinking c'mon a guy isn't supposed to tell such stuff to another guy...it's not a guy-thing ! The next day he went to his school , had fun like he normally has , teased his friends like he normally does , and left from the school as he normally does , little did he know that it wasn't going to be a normal day ! On coming back home he found way too many people in the backyard , he was confused ... "was it mom's birthday today ? nahh...may be their anniversary ? whats so special about today ?" he went straight inside to find out and had to face the hardest moment of his life .... his dad was lying there , right in front of him , lifeless , with bruises , he couldn't come to terms with the reality . His dad had met with an accident on his way back home , leaving him spot dead .Tears filled his eyes and emptiness his heart . He hugged his dad , said him i love you , but it was too late . He felt bad for not letting his dad know how much he loved him and respected him last night , even though he would always fight with him for petty issues like pocket money or for permission for a Saturday pyjama party in order to escape spending time with the family.He thought it was boring and uncool to sit and spend time with parents , not anymore , now he regretted everything he had ever said , every time he bunked to avoid spending time with his dad . But nothing could be changed . It was too late .
                                             I hope you guys must have by now guessed what i was trying to convey . Just like this boy , most of us take our families for granted , we love them but we never express , we think we are gonna live forever ! We think THEY are gonna live forever . But life has it's own plans . So why not love them , express our feelings to them when we are all together instead of regretting later ! And not only that but then living life , doing everything we love NOW ! Not procrastinating things for next summer or next Christmas ... who know if you would still breath ? And most importantly you live only once , so live it king size , make most of every second , live in the now ,  Because we never know if tomorrow comes.There's nothing as mysterious and as unpredictable as life is and like they say ;
                                      "Take chances,tell the truth ,
                                  spend the money on the things you love,
                                  get to know somebody random,
                                  say i love you to someone in life,
                                           feel the true love,
                                  tell the idiot how he/she hurts you,
                                  abuse someone who deserves it,
                                  sit alone,watch the rain and cry,
                                  laugh till your stomach pains,
                                  dance even if you are bad at it,
                                  pose stupidly for photos,
                                  give someone a hug when they need it and
                                  make sure to get one when you do,
                                  be naughty like a child
                                           live it !
                                          love it!
                              because -- "You only live once ,
                                              but if you do it right , 
                                                once is enough ;) !  " - Mae west