20

"Is it possible , I wonder , for a man to truly change? Or do character and habit form the immovable boundaries of our life? " - Nicholas Sparks, The Wedding .

I turned 20 this month. Amidst all the anxiousness, anticipation, freaking out sessions and hyperventilating about " How am I gonna handle being 20? ", I introspected my life, like everybody's lives there were regrets, hitting bottom moments, some happy memories, few lively people and many lessons, then I asked myself, " Have I changed? Or am I the same Shonazee I was ? ".

Have I changed? No, I think I metamorphosed into a completely different personality, just like the caterpillar. I was childish and immature, okay, okay, I know, who wasn't? I think there still is a lot of room in me which is full of an 11-year-old, but then there is this new,  colorful, more mature butterfly in me too.

School. I was someone who portrayed the part of an anchor for this news channel of who's dating who? Who's crushing on who? And the likes. It was like I had to know what my friends/classmates were up to, especially in their personal life. I would poke my nose, annoy 'em with my questions or even catch some red handed ( I actually did! ). And then it wouldn't stop there, once my nose picked up on something I would broadcast it among my friends, and they would tell their friends and so on. So yeah, pretty much the whole place would get updated. It was like I was the starting point for a rumor. Having said that, I also was the type of person who would go through someone's personal diary if it landed in my access zone and yes, the propagation would then follow. Awful . I know. But now, I am this person who respects people's personal life. Even if someone gives me their personal diary to read , I don't think I will be able to get myself to do that, because I've realized that a person pours his heart and soul down while writing a journal and I think that space should remain untouched .
But now, I wouldn't go around propagating who's dating who? even when I catch them red-handed, not only because it's none of my business but also because I am not that person anymore.

Intermediate (11th and 12th grade ). I was this kind of a person who back-bited. A lot. I would justify it by saying that it was innocence. Seriously it was. I had always seen people around me doing it. Two best friends bad mouthing each other behind their backs, aunties in the society bad mouthing about some people in their family (mother-in-laws, annoying relatives, almost every other person to be honest). And so every time I was insecure ( which was a lot of times ), I bitched about that friend to another friend of mine. This realization, that I was doing wrong is a part of my hitting bottom moment which I had rather save for future posts. But now I've realized how important loyalty and honesty are in any relationship.That there is another way of venting the insecurity - by telling that friend itself. And according to me, this works much better than telling it to some other person. I mean if you have a problem with your parents and you tell it to your friend, what in the world can your friend do to mend things between you and your parents? Tell it to your parents. Problem solved.

First-year med school. Judgmental, that would be the aptest word to define me. I used to judge almost everybody in my college, from their appearance to how they say hello to how they would project themselves. But since the past few months I have realized that we are all wired this way. We judge almost every other second, every other person. Put stamps - this is good, this is bad. Warn - stay away, hold on tight. But then this inner voice in me asked - Who the hell are we to judge? I mean seriously, Who the hell are we to judge someone ?! We are imperfect too. We make lousy decisions too. Then how can we judge someone else for doing the same? I wouldn't say that I've completely gotten over judging, but I will get there. Someday, I will get there.

So yes, I am not proud of the kind of person I was, at the same time I 'm not ashamed too. If I had not poked into someone's personal life so much, how would I have learned respecting it. If I hadn't back-bited a lot, how could I have found out that it is of no use, that telling the person on his face is much better than telling it to another person. If I had not judged every other person I met, how could I have realized that we are no one to judge. I'm glad I was so insanely stupid, at least it's left me with a tiny bit of wisdom.

And after thinking all this through, I am not much worried or anxious about turning 20, about being more responsible and mature. I think I'll do just fine. Heck no, I think I'm gonna ROCK my 20s! *Inserts the most confident smile ever*