cold night

As we grow older, some of us (most of us?) tend to grow inward, more internal, or maybe because our loved ones live far away, at some point while growing up - distance takes up a lot of space, leaving us utterly alone, and for that matter very lonely. There's no one here today to percept the subtle shifts in my mood or schedule. To identify the red flags & hold an intervention. No one to stop me from diving head first into a deep abyss of darkness. Of depression. Of late mornings and even later nights. Of yearnings and longings. Of questions with no answers. So what do you do? Where do you go from here? Why my darling, you hold an intervention for yourself. Only you can bring yourself out of the cold night. Just wear a sweater today. Just let yourself feel a little warm today.

I'd written this in December 2017. Clearly, I wasn't in a good mental space back then. I spent the entire month in my room, hardly leaving the house. My excuse was that I was preparing for an exam, not that I glanced in the direction of my books even once. In fact, I did not even know where my books were. I did try to make myself happy, but some days were better, most weren't. I wrote a couple of things during this period which now serve to give me a window into my headspace from then, when you are feeling low, or down, chronically, days just merge into one and another. There's no sense of time or space. You distract yourself by watching crap tons of shows and you don't realize how a month whizzed by. There will be cold nights. If you're living/sleeping through one right now, know that a brighter day is coming. Summer is right around the corner.
And until then, I could keep you company, get you some hot cocoa with marshmallows? Or is it green tea that you prefer? And if you're drowning in this dark abyss, seek professional help. Don't shy away from what your mind needs. Remember only you can keep yourself warm.

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Triggers

You're doing this elaborate Sunday morning routine, yeah. Today is my day, you think. Your favorite blend of tea brewing, your skin care products in a row, there's music, breakfast is ideal. All in all, it's a good start to the day, and you're happy and confident.
You open your phone and see someone's story or a post and suddenly, very unknowingly this innocent picture/video has turned your day upside down. Now your eyes are prickling with tears, your chest feels sickly-warm, your confidence lays shattered. What do you do? Where do you go from here? Do you let the feeling wash over you, make you morose, sick with all the unwelcomed thoughts or do you keep it at bay and busy yourself with a task, keeping the breakdown on hold, for another time, another day. Which coping mechanism is healthy?

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