2019 & 2020 have been the most important years for me - and it makes me mad sad to realize that I failed to document these years.
This post is an attempt at easing my heart - quite like a band-aid on a wound that has stopped bleeding but it's there so that I don't itch and break the scab.
2020 is the year that failed many, pushed most of us back by a year, and has been in the entirety quite an "unprecedented" "rubbish" year
I happen to be in the minority of those for whom this year didn't suck as much. Or maybe it did. The fact that we are inching towards the new year, that we survived is an achievement that needs to be celebrated in all its glory.
This year started in India, with preparation to move to a new country, a new job, a new segment. I shopped for workwear and utensils. Luggage and spices. Had to pick books that would accompany me. Farewell luncheons and goodbye dinners. Spent nights wondering if I were just setting myself up for isolation and failure - you see, I don't have family in the UK, the friends I made were moving to different corners of this island owing to the jobs. With this newfound dread, decorated in optimism & joy about moving to a first-world country (FREEDOM) I boarded the flight to Manchester.
Within the first hour of landing, I had left my Kindle behind in the flight - realizing this just after passing immigration. So there I am, kindle-less, train waiting to take me to my final destination, no one knows who I am to contact to get my Kindle back, having sufficiently spent close to an hour taking my luggage from one floor to another I decide it's a lost cause & head to the train station. I spent my much looking forward to the first-class train journey crying in front of an old English couple who were so uncomfortable by my outburst that the fact I'm causing embarrassment made me cry even harder.
The reality suddenly dawned upon me & I felt like I weren't up to it at all.
And that's how this journey began - but I did manage to get my Kindle back so thank you Etihad's twitter team, you have won my loyalty for the rest of my flight journeys. And this has also set a tone for my year - failing briefly, but getting right back up, faint euphoria before it's back to the bottom baby.
What followed my first couple of months was learning the ropes of my new job whilst also interviewing for a training post later in the year - the first couple of days of Feb were spent in Amal's (my Mehboob) house, preparing our portfolios, drinking lukewarm water & feasting on Egyptian delicacies made by her.
Found a house share to move into with a ready-made housemate - didn't realize it then but it was the start of some of the best months I've lived or as best as they can be during a pandemic. Looking back on the love and camaraderie we shared in that house, in that English town makes my heartache.
Feb to August was full of cooking at home, baking banana bread, making Dalgona coffee, grocery runs, movie nights, binge-watching Money Heist, Humsafar. Playing Uno, Dominos. Going for runs in the local park.
As for my first job in the UK - I worked with an amazing team and an even amazing Consultant. He made me a coffee on my first day (If you're from India - you realize how BIG of a deal this is!) The environment was safe, protective, it helped me become a more confident clinician. Pre pandemic, we would do a 10 min mindfulness session before starting with the huddles/work, this was my fav part of the day. With the pandemic, our team took a hit and the Trust adapted to the new situation very promptly. There were lesser people coming to work with most wfh. All consultations became over the phone - which for Psychiatry is not ideal in the least.
I had to commute 30mins by train to reach my place of work and in March the empty roads, empty trains gave the pandemic a dystopian tone like nothing else could.
My time here set the foundation for me in this new country. This team set the bar so so high, that I'm not sure if any other team would ever even match up to them. I'm blessed to have been a part of this dream team, even if it were only for 6 months.
My first Ramadan - fasting for over 12+ hours, working full time, working nights the first week which meant I was seeing patients and grabbing a bite every chance I got.
I was determined to have the best Eid under the circumstances and this lead to me making sheer khurma & Biryani on my own for the first time ever!! I had help but from vegetarians (housemates) which meant none of us knew what we were doing but we ended up having a blast anyway. A walk on the beach at the end of the day made it even more perfect if that were even possible (Alhumduillah!)
During these months I was to also hear the result of my interview - I was waiting to be matched in a Psychiatry training program in the UK. The day offers came out I received none. I was heartbroken and disappointed. Spent my time sulking and moping. Everyone around me asked me to be patient, told me to wait until the next set of offers come out - and then they did. And I got matched to a program that was in my top 10 (yay me!)
This also meant that come Aug I would have to move, again. From England to Scotland. This move was quite exciting but I remember being frustrated a couple days prior to the actual moving date - trying to decide which company to use to move the luggage, should I take the train or book a cab or a man with a van. I never realized how much I depended on my parents to arrange logistics in such situations. I saw my housemate receiving help from her brother, he arranged all the logistics, her responsibility was to pack, everything else was taken care of. I started comparing, which of course I shouldn't have but I did. I'm human after all. We exist to er. And I just broke down, overwhelmed by having to do everything by myself. But in the end I ended up moving everything (incl myself) with under 100 pounds which I think is a feat.
Visited one of my friends just before the move & spent 2 amazing days walking, chatting, cooking, exploring. Some people help you decompress and reboot - value them & keep them close. Last round of food fiestas with my support bubble before I moved to the nation with Lochs and highlands.
August began with induction to my core training or Residency as they like to call it on the other side of the pond. The new hospital was so very different from my prev place of work. I was the only International Medical Graduate in this cohort. The only non-white trainee amongst the core crew. I remember the first day, sitting in the mess with my colleagues, my introverted nature coming to the forefront, compounded by this large racial, cultural gap between us. I didn't know how to climb over. I began to feel like I made a mistake, that I shouldn't have moved. The isolation in the first week drove me to hysteria. I went from having a work-family support bubble in England to knowing virtually zero people in this new environment.
Come weekend I unpacked. The room started to look like mine. I took myself out, walked around and the heaviness started to dissipate. Bought myself a bubble tea and with that, we completed the adjustment period.
Now, I can't imagine doing my training anywhere else. I love the hospital I work in. I love the people I work with. They are a warm, welcoming bunch, I just needed to come out of my shell. I love the place I live in. There have been trips to parks and lochs. Museums and graveyards. Taking a left and finding a live band playing their music to hoards of people who are tired of being cooped up as well. Long lunches and even longer dinners. Some with others and some on my own.
During these first months of training, I've experienced burn out every couple of weeks. I've experienced imposter syndrome. I've set expectations that were not only too hard to meet but set me up for disappointment. I've second-guessed and doubted myself every chance I got.
I remember feeling a lot more confident as I went into training in August. The first job which lasted from Feb - Aug helped in making me feel invincible, the environment was conducive to thriving. But come training, I feel like I'm surviving, barely.
Through it all, I've started to become more aware of my own flaws and limitations. I've found solace in group reflections (Balint). I've found activities that help ground me - it could be making a cup of coffee or cooking something difficult for myself. Or it could just be talking to or meeting friends who might be going through a similar situation & with that having our own little bubbles of venting and healing together.
In October I decided to sit my first post-grad exam. The exam was in December - so I was giving myself barely enough time to study while working full time. I remember having a chat with my supervisor, and he suggested I take the exam as it wouldn't matter if I didn't get through as I could sit again later in the year. And this way the studying will help with my practice as well. So I did. Spent time between work and studying and when I did finally give the exam - FROM HOME, it didn't feel like I gave the exam at all. The result is due next year and I'm not sweating over it.
I was a panelist for a webinar in December - mere 3 days before my exam. Luckily I had my content prepared quite early in the year for a similar event that didn't see the light of the day. But this webinar - it brought to light my capability at fixating, perfectionism, not being happy with the bare minimum and not being able to let go. On the day of the webinar - after it was done, I spent the entire day thinking of ways I could have done it better. Things I should have included and stuff that I should have edited out. I couldn't get any studying done that day. I got positive feedback for the talk - but I just kept fixating. It was published on youtube the other day (here's the link if you're interested) & I watched it - thinking there would be parts that would make me cringe or would upset me - but to my surprise, the talk was quite pleasant. I tried covering all relevant points I could have in the given time. Maybe I'll write a blog post for everything I couldn't include in the video. This brings me to one of my goals/resolutions for the year 2021 - I need to learn to let go, especially for things I can't control or things that are beyond my control.
My first Christmas in the UK was spent as a 12-hour shift in the hospital - to be honest, I was quite happy to be working. I don't celebrate Christmas but just being around the joy, spending my shift with a Freud topper Christmas tree, and the pager was quite nice. I had a 20 min long chat with one of the patients, it started with her appreciating the staff but ended up with us discussing how far they(the patient) have come in their own journey - this conversation will always remain close to my heart. It's moments like these that reaffirm my decision for choosing Psychiatry.
Whilst we are on the subject, one of the things I struggled with the most this year was the stigma. Mental health doesn't only stigmatize patients but also the professionals that work for it. It's still an uphill battle, some days I win, other days I lose.
Some things I achieved/enjoyed this year:
Matched into a training program & sat my first post-grad exam
Finally attained financial stability - bid goodbye to that broke life
Started buying ground coffee & experimenting with French press, Moka pot & coffee machine,
Started buying coffees from local cafes (Buying coffee from a cafe used to be luxury/something I couldn't afford on an as and when basis)
Dined alone and enjoyed every bit of it
Cooked Chicken Biryani, twice
Discovered black sugar bubble tea
Swapped plants with other plant-parents & made a lovely friend in the process
Failed my Goodreads challenge again - but on the bright side, I absolutely enjoyed 3/6 books I read so that's enough for me, for now. My year in books.
All in all my first 8 months were extra-ordinary, even with the lockdowns & whatnot. The last 4 months were a struggle. But even on bad days, I'm living my dream, so Alhumdulillah. Here's hoping I start documenting more.
If another human being is reading this blog (cause at this point I don't think anyone reads this apart from me), thank you for spending your time on my words, I hope you have a lovely 2021.
