cold night

As we grow older, some of us (most of us?) tend to grow inward, more internal, or maybe because our loved ones live far away, at some point while growing up - distance takes up a lot of space, leaving us utterly alone, and for that matter very lonely. There's no one here today to percept the subtle shifts in my mood or schedule. To identify the red flags & hold an intervention. No one to stop me from diving head first into a deep abyss of darkness. Of depression. Of late mornings and even later nights. Of yearnings and longings. Of questions with no answers. So what do you do? Where do you go from here? Why my darling, you hold an intervention for yourself. Only you can bring yourself out of the cold night. Just wear a sweater today. Just let yourself feel a little warm today.

I'd written this in December 2017. Clearly, I wasn't in a good mental space back then. I spent the entire month in my room, hardly leaving the house. My excuse was that I was preparing for an exam, not that I glanced in the direction of my books even once. In fact, I did not even know where my books were. I did try to make myself happy, but some days were better, most weren't. I wrote a couple of things during this period which now serve to give me a window into my headspace from then, when you are feeling low, or down, chronically, days just merge into one and another. There's no sense of time or space. You distract yourself by watching crap tons of shows and you don't realize how a month whizzed by. There will be cold nights. If you're living/sleeping through one right now, know that a brighter day is coming. Summer is right around the corner.
And until then, I could keep you company, get you some hot cocoa with marshmallows? Or is it green tea that you prefer? And if you're drowning in this dark abyss, seek professional help. Don't shy away from what your mind needs. Remember only you can keep yourself warm.

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Self-preservation

I've had such distorted perceptions of so many of my past events
if someone were writing a book, I'd be the unreliable narrator who
manipulates every situation/outcome in an attempt to be glorified.
Things we do in the name of self-preservation.
The masks we wear. The stories we tell. The stories we twist.
All so that in our eyes, we are always the hero, sometimes the victim.
And the other person, the other person is always the villain.

But it's us all along, isn't it? We are the villain all along.

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Triggers

You're doing this elaborate Sunday morning routine, yeah. Today is my day, you think. Your favorite blend of tea brewing, your skin care products in a row, there's music, breakfast is ideal. All in all, it's a good start to the day, and you're happy and confident.
You open your phone and see someone's story or a post and suddenly, very unknowingly this innocent picture/video has turned your day upside down. Now your eyes are prickling with tears, your chest feels sickly-warm, your confidence lays shattered. What do you do? Where do you go from here? Do you let the feeling wash over you, make you morose, sick with all the unwelcomed thoughts or do you keep it at bay and busy yourself with a task, keeping the breakdown on hold, for another time, another day. Which coping mechanism is healthy?

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A Creepy Book // Book Review

The Disappearance of Adèle Bedeau by Graeme Macrae Burnet


At its heart, the Disappearance Of Adele Bedeau is a book that explores human psyche. The story starts when Adele Bedeau, a waitress of the restaurant our protagonist frequents to, disappears. Manfred Baumann, our middle-aged protagonist is socially inept, loner & a creature of habit. His tightly controlled life starts to unravel, making him confront his dark past throughout the course of the investigation. At many points I found him to be a little deluded with a wild imagination. On the other side of the spectrum is our police detective, George's Gorski who is investigating the said case. He is haunted by the one case he couldn't solve. The book flips between these two characters for the most part. Their childhood. Their decisions. The consequences.
If you like a thriller because of a plot & clues then don't bother with this book. However, if reading about human psyche interests you, especially if the humans in question are quite um..creepy? give this one a read.

Thank you Bee Books for sending a review copy of the book.
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Wanderlust in Books: A Book Review

Bloody Scotland has 12 short stories written by Scotland's finest crime writers - what really intrigued me (since I'm not one for crime fiction) is that every story uses one of Scotland's *real* iconic/historic sites to tell a thrilling fictional tale. There are pictures of the said sites, making the reading experience more visual & fun. Also, there's detailed description of the sites (along with visiting times) given towards the end of the book. SO COOL, RIGHT?

About the stories, it has a lukewarm start where classic crime/horror plots are used and since we've read so many of such plots, the book failed to keep me intrigued. Other stories however made up for the underwhelming start.
Some worth mentioning are;

Come Friendly Bombs by Louise Welsh, which touches upon how war changes people & how misery brings out the darkness in even the best of the people. This was a particularly dark & grim tale that I very much enjoyed.

Sanctuary by Sara Sheridan is about a woman who returns to the city she grew up in, to work as a caretaker of Kinneil House. We discover how from not belonging elsewhere, not being able to call a place home she finds her sanctuary in this old monumental house, which may or may not be haunted.                                                                                                                                                                     


All in all, it's a really good mix of stories ranging from psychological thrillers to stories of revenge, murder, what not. Apart from the stories, what I really enjoyed about the book was googling all the sites around which the stories were based, reading up on their history, looking up 27839393 of their images. So virtual trip to Scotland done, and my bucket list for the real trip is set! ;)
If you love visiting other countries via books or are someone who loves dark tales, this can be your next quick read! Thank You, Bee Books for sending a review copy of this book.

Bloody Scotland by Lin Anderson   

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