In the books, almost half-way in, something goes wrong in a big-big way, and that's when the character realizes he messed up, that he needs to stop slacking, and get his shit together before the book ends. Up until then, the character has no clue that he'd been doing something wrong, or maybe he does, but doesn't pay attention or plays the blame game. But this, this moment, where everything around him collapses, forces him to realize where or how he was wrong. Or how he could have done things differently.
I am a slacker, and I always blamed it on my surroundings. Didn't have too much sleep, not feeling well, my friends aren't going to college, you get the idea. These are common woes of a student. But being so lethargic that your college attendance is 40%, that is not common. That is a
problem. Especially if the remaining 50% was because of late mornings and laziness. Especially if the attendance has been 40% for the entire duration of the course, 4 years.
If this were a book, something major must have happened sometime during these 4 years. Maybe it did. Maybe I just didn't care enough when my friends made other friends and stopped calling me, when I was always ill prepared for classes and exams, but I just kept going through it. Late nights, lazy mornings, repeat.
So what drastic change happened to make me see how/where I went wrong? Nothing really. Nothing major. I missed another important class today, and it just disgusted me. Disgusted me so much that I couldn't help but feel ridiculous about how lazy I've been. How I've procrastinated and procrastinated, never to do what I had set in mind. Sure, bullet journal helped, but what can a to-do list do when all a person wants is
just-one-more-day-to-chill before getting serious. I've had enough chill days and 11 am mornings. I'm disgusted. I'm exhausted. I just feel useless. I feel like a big plop of waste. And I'd love to stop feeling this way. I'd love to take the reigns in my hand and give some direction to the confused child trapped in this adult body. I don't want to wait to see another relationship collapse, another exam go to waste, another morning filled with regret. I just want to yell "enough is enough" at my reflection in a mirror.
Changing habits takes time, it takes patience, it takes determination,
"brick by brick" as
Kaz Brekker would say. Brick by brick I'm going to change this lazy, lethargic person and make something out of her. Maybe this disgust will fade away & my old habits will seduce me into the cozy, comfort that comes from the known and repetitive. Maybe it'll take more than ten wake-up calls to turn proactive. I'll take the maybes, I'll take the disgust, I'll take the reality checks, wake-up calls, broken relationships and I'll turn them into early mornings and productive days, into fewer regrets and happier hours.
Carpe Diem.
